"Would it help?"

 

I don't know if it's normal to have a movie about the capture and prosecution of a Russian spy as your comfort movie*, but Bridge of Spies has helped me a great deal when I feel panic descend. (If you haven't seen it, or want to watch it again, go to the library and check it out. My library has 8 copies and since the movie came out in 2015 there's not a lot of demand so most copies are available!) 

Last year was a really hard year for me in so many ways. The biggest one was one of my kids had cancer. I won't go into too many details, to respect their privacy, but in early February they noticed a lump in their side and by the end of March a 4 cm soft-tissue sarcoma (along with a whole lot of surrounding tissue) had been removed. We were lucky: we got great care and have insurance and they are in good health now. But I bring this up because it was so sudden--the shift from good health to contemplating death--and the feelings I had at the time were a lot like how I feel now, with our democracy.

I won't belabor the cancer metaphor, but rather I'll share what helped me get through it: when I felt the panic and doom and pessimism descend I replayed the above scene in my head (the same back and forth between Mark Rylance and Tom Hanks happens a few other times in the film). The temptation to freak out would arise and I would ask myself "Would it help?" And the answer was always No. Freaking out does not help: it might feel good in the moment to lose it like a toddler but afterwards there is fatigue and collapse and maybe (depending on your childhood) a little bit of shame. But by asking myself the question, I was acknowledging the stress I was under and the fear I was feeling and that meant that the fear and stress weren't staying bottled up and festering and growing to the point where they would explode. I acknowledged them and then I was able to set them aside. 

I don't know if this will help other people out, but maybe watch the movie if you are interested and then give it a try. Once I got good at interrupting the freak out urge I discovered that I didn't just feel calm or stable or neutral, I felt surprisingly tender: I was better able to see and prioritize kindness and connection and love. 

*my other comfort movie is Fantastic Mr. Fox which is joyful and sweet and shows the little guys banding together to defeat the corrupt big guys which is also a perfect pep talk for these times.